On my mind

We're now more than half-way through our contract and it's time to start thinking about what we're going to do  once our project is finished. Do we try to stay on here in the Netherlands with another project? Or do we return to the States?

If you'd asked me a year ago, I would have said in a heartbeat that I wanted to go back. Now I'm not so sure, and I'm thinking about it all the time. There are so many different factors to consider and so much at stake; this is definitely one of the most difficult decisions we've ever had to make.

In no particular order, here are a smattering of the thoughts running through my head.

1. I really like being able to work part-time and stay home with Aldus part-time. When I think about what it would have been like to continue trying to work full-time (and especially to commute between Ann Arbor and Detroit) and have Aldus in daycare 45 hours a week, I think I would have been miserable.
2. We took a big pay cut moving here, but we've been able to "get by." Health care has been affordable. Day care has been affordable. I don't know whether or not we could get by if I worked part time or didn't work at all in the States. Maybe. Maybe not.
3. However, part of the reason we've been "getting by" is that our spending is completely different here, and it's not an apples-to-apples comparison:
   • We're not saving for retirement here.
   • We're not investing in the kinds of things that helped to make Ann Arbor "home" - house, yard & garden, organizations, church, community. There's little spending, but also little emotional investment.
   • There's nowhere to spend our money here for "quality of life" things. (We rarely go out to eat, there are no gourmet food or wine stores, there's no coffee and pastries on the way to the dog park on the weekends. There's no dog park membership, Michigan Theater membership, taekwondo classes, etc.)
   • The health care and day care here is much more affordable. They're practically paying us to have Aldus go to day care 25 hours a week.
   • We own a "disposable" car. If it dies before we have to leave, replacing it is going to put a big hit on our finances.
4. The Netherlands is a good place to raise a child. And we would like for Aldus to grow up with an international perspective with exposure to different cultures, languages, etc.
5. If Aldus grows up in the Netherlands, it'll be in a very ethnically and socio-economically homogeneous environment.
6. Raising Aldus in the Netherlands means that he'll have very little exposure to his Korean heritage. If we go back to Ann Arbor, we would probably do taekwondo as a family, potentially join a Korean church, and definitely get Aldus enrolled in some Korean classes and/or summer camps. If we move elsewhere in the U.S., I'm not sure what the situation will be.
7. The U.S. seems to be headed into a recession. While it would be a good time to buy a house, it's a very scary time to look for jobs and be in Michigan.
8. It can get very lonely here, at least for me. We have a good group of acquaintances from the office, people we can play football with and have dinner with. But I have no girlfriends here. No one to confide in except for Charles. And I don't see that situation changing.
9. 650 miles from grandparents is a lot closer than 4500 miles from grandparents. Not to mention aunts and uncles and cousins and Cho's and Hofers and Coffee Housers and knitters...

This isn't an exhaustive list. And it's a little random and rambling. But it's sort of representative of the current state of my brain at the moment. But it helps a little to get it in writing and attempt to put it in some semblance of order.

Additional thoughts, comments and perspectives on living in the American rat race and raising children there are welcome and appreciated.

Comments

[Kate C.]

On the up side, they're practically *giving away* houses in Michigan right now. ;)

It's a tough choice and one that would probably depend on what sort of employment Charles got hooked up with. Anything is possible if the money is good. And hell, if you find a job in Troy (or even near Troy) drop that baby off at my house on the way to work!

I understand the lonliness you're feeling. It was a dealbreaker for me in California. Any luck meeting people in similar situations (ex-pats close to you?) on the internets?

[Kate Degelau-Pierce]

The where-to-live decision is a hard one, especially with kids. I can share one piece of relevant experience: I'd have been miserable with Anna in daycare more than 40 hours a week, so Jeff and I came up with a system where I go into work early (so I can pick Anna up early) and he goes into work late (so he can drop her off late). That means she only spends about 6 hours a day at preschool. It's definitely not what you've got now, but it's manageable.

[Hillary]

Ugh, I don't envy this decision process! For what it is worth, Emily just put an offer on a house in Ann Arbor close to where you and Charles used to live. She got a really great job - she had offers from two different places! And neither one was UM! So, maybe the job market isn't so depressed?
Good luck either way you decide to go.

[Elaine Lauerman]

What a tough decision you're faced with. You've made a good argument for and against. Having Aldus grow up around family and friends is huge. I remember my niece and nephew visiting Michigan and being afraid of Grandma and Grandpa because they didn't really know them, and living so far away (Texas) they weren't able to build a relationship with them until they were older. You are such a good writer maybe you should try writing a book on your experiences :-)

[Merrill]

Oy ditto. Why are tough decisions so tough?! I tend to agree that it's hard to totally compare your choices in a vacuum. A great and close-to-home job (Charles) or jobs (you and Charles) in Ann Arbor could be out there and would allay a lot of your worries, if so. (And whether true or not, people are now saying that MI was the first to tank and so we'll be the first to recover because we started rebuilding earlier...). Maybe start checking some things out (without putting too much pressure on yourself!) to have a better idea of your options?

I've always admired and envied your opportunity to have this international experience for yourselves and Aldus too, however. It's definitely something worth valuing in and of itself!

Something I've been thinking a lot about recently is that no choice is ever perfect. So, does your gut have a feeling about what things are MORE important to you? For instance, now that I've been in MI MUCH longer than I ever expected, I'm somewhat open to leaving but also really suprised to find just how wonderful it's been to have a steady group of friends, be near my aging mom, and be involved in my niece's and nephew's lives. I may ultimately be willing to give up parts of my lifestyle to maintain this stuff and have a family of my own within it. Of course, I'll be delving into the MI job market in about a year, too, so maybe I'll change my tune!

[Halim]

well, depending on the skill set and specialties, the job market is quite robust. . .for consulting.

i'm interviewing now (issues with strategic changes at work), and if i were indiscriminate, i think i could get 2 interviews per week, so don't worry about a job.

i think at charles' level, there are jobs in consulting well into six figures, so you may be able to pay for quality of life without batting an eyelash.

[Lisa]

Hi Kris,

How are you? I just found your blog - Aldus is looking absolutely gorgeous!!

My $0.02: friends and lifestyle are the key. I totally hear what you are saying about the lack of 'real' friends i.e. people unconnected to work. Also the lack of amenities and social life really got to me in Holland.

Sydney is amazing - people are friendly and there is a sense of community. The food and coffee are great, as are the dog parks, clubs. I am running marathons and loving life. I hope you find a decision that makes you all very happy! All the best, Lisa x